Done.

I have learned that people come and go from your life with reasons.  And sometimes you can try and keep others in your life, but when it comes to the point where you are the only one trying, its exhausting.  After so many attempts, I just no longer care at being considered the "bad" friend anymore.

A quote I saw the other day goes something like this:

We are acquaintances with memories

That is how I feel.  I just can't understand how after putting so much effort into making a relationship, how some people can just throw it away. I mean I understand that people fade and change (I saw that happen with my friends from high school), what I can't understand is how someone will just not try.  They are the exact same person they were when you were friends, but for some reason think you are yesterdays news.

My fourth year of university starts in two days. And I'm nervous, because my job sucks. And I am stressed with that and the hours I have. And now I'm about to enter into the last year that I will take at this university and it's stressful.  And I just don't want to waste my time any more trying to be with people who don't want to be with me.

I know who my friends are. Who my best friends are. They are the people that I won't talk to for weeks or months, but can pick up a conversation exactly where we left off, because we are not trying to be someone else (my sister, Lulu, Chels, Ami, Mak, and Nat.  That's if you are reading this).  I know that I am not the easiest person to get along with at most times. And sometimes I annoy myself too, but I love you guys.  This all sounds really high school-ish I know, but I seem to be having a mid-twenty crisis. Or maybe I am just becoming the blunt person who will say everything that no one else will.

What I am trying to say, is that I am going to treat people the way they treat me.  So if you want to get together with me, make the effort.  If you don't, then I am not making the effort. Sometimes becoming a full-time introvert is something I believe I could walk into gracefully, but then I think I enjoy talking too much.

Moving on.

Relating to my earlier point about work, I am going to write this here because sometimes I think a roommate can only hear so much before becoming annoyed (sorry Chels).  But FYI.  My availability says I am UNABLE to work on tuesdays and thursdays, so don't ask me to come in because the STORE MANAGER is sick today and we have a window change.  DO NOT ask me to come in on Thursday, because said manager is going to be sick still because I AM UNAVAILABLE.  I am there to make money to pay off school, not have this shit-show as my full time career. Oh, and I requested it off. Did you? No. So guess who is the one missing the Miranda Lambert concert? You. Go eff yourself you ugly cow, I-wish-I-could-punch-you-in-the-face-so-you-curl-into-a-ball-and-die-and-have-coach-roaches-eat-out-your-eyes-while-you-are-conscious. Oh and to my "sick manager".  If you want to go to Nanton and get laid by your greasy-ass fuck buddy so he can cheat/leave you like your last two husbands and old boyfriend have fun. I am done with your shit and bending over back words for your every need. I hate you all. Every single one of you.

I feel like I need to change my availability.  Or quit.  I honestly don't know what to do, and talking/writing about it isn't doing anything.  Everyone is giving me advice, and I am overwhelmed. I don't think anyone really realizes what this is doing to me. And I tried talking to my manager, but then I just end up getting confronted at work by another manager or persuaded about something I had an issue with earlier.  And the one person who I trust at the store, is starting to tell "sick manager" things that I have told her in confidence.  I honestly just don't have anyone to trust anymore there.

And I need help.  Or a sign.  That things get better, and that life or my job isn't always going to be this hard and confusing.  That maybe, just maybe, I can look back at this job to see what I have learned from it.  Now, at this very moment, all I feel is that it is making me bitter, unhappy, stressed, sad, and angry.  I shouldn't have to go to work and have to do mundane things like folding crap to hide the fact that I am about to cry, when nothing has happened to make me want to.

Sometimes I question whether it's my job or if there is something wrong with me... Frick.