Cell Block Crazy

It is lying on my bathroom floor crying with a pillow, blanket, and teddy bear that I realize I have reached my breaking point. This is the only room that I feel my roommate and her boyfriend have not tainted with who they are. Their self centered ways do not penetrate these four walls, and even their spoiled demeanor cannot break down this door. It is their words and voices that keep causing a sudden on break of tears flowing; it seems that just knowing they are within feet of me can ruin my day. Him yelling "interference" at a screen like he can actually do something about it. You can't even speak proper words half the time, so shut up.

I need to scream. Get out somewhere and scream. I am filled with anger, sadness, but mostly rage. Knowing that I have almost 60 more days to live with these people and I have no option to change it. And I am panicking at the sudden prospect that I need to tell her to get her shit together and leave. She has ruined this apartment. I couldn't live here any longer than a year, just knowing that she was here. Thank god for Chelsea and Makrina.

Maybe it is my fault. I learned early on a different way of communication, to not speak, and let things go and such. I take after my dad. And I surrounded myself in high school with self centered people who simply used me as a verbal batting board.

University was suppose to be the place where I changed. Become a fully functioning grown up. And yet the only thing that changed was my friends; who are open to listening about my pit falls and side steps. Waiting to hear it. But instead I cannot truly verbalize it, and I find myself writing to a blog about how much hatred I have in my heart that is about to boil over.

Today has been a terrible day. All because of my roommate. They leave the trash on the floor for days, take over my living room, take over my kitchen, yell at night, set up my buzzer to THEIR phone without asking me, and make my friends uncomfortable when they come over.

This house is not my home, but my prison. My roommates are not my friends, but the guards trapping me here.

How hard is it for someone to verbalize their desires when they have kept it pad locked deep away? I am truly exhausted and would rather live on the street or in my car then spend another second with these assholes.